He asked me to lie

And I told him the truth.

I was ready to post all this cool stuff and all my crazy ideas when everything came to a crashing halt. I met Kirsten today via telephone.
All I can say is...psh, I told you he was dating her. Even through that, as freakish as it sounds even to me, I bet somewhere in that big vacant space of his, something for me waits. One of my best guy friends said to me, it's either that he never loved me or he's too scared to love me, creating the almost indestructable idea in his head that he no longer loves me. Apparently, that's what fear does to a man. I wouldn't know because I'm not a man. And I don't think any guy who feels that way deserves to call himself a man either.

He asked me not to compare him to my other ex.
I did anyway because, fuck, he's acting just like him. Everyone thinks my ex prior to Anthony was all about going out with my best friends, which did happen twice, but they forget everything that came between and henceforth. There's was a lot of name calling and verbal abuse. There were other women even before my two best friends. They didn't last, but one of them hurt me in particular even though it was some insane love for a 14-year-old trapped in Ohio (also where Kirsten is from, ironically). Patterns repeat and as much as I'm ready for them, I somehow can't deal with it as planned. I'm aware of the differences, but all I tend to do is gather from past negativity and act upon that instead of working with what's going right.
And you know, she says she doesn't want problems with me. I guess I can believe it. There's no trust, just belief. But dammit if it doesn't hurt to hear her putting him in check the way I used to. Not that I put him in check 24/7 like a control freak, but it used to be my job...if that makes sense. She says she doesn't want problems. Honey, you're not as sweet as 'honey' would imply.
No. You're vinegar in my mouth.
Get out.

"It's okay. We're just dating. I'm not falling for her like that and she's not going to fall for me any time soon."
You said it yourself before...you're kind of a liar. This is the last lie you will ever tell if ever I find out it's a lie. At least be a friend. I don't expect him to lick my boots but I expect decency, you know.

"You're a scary lady. You became intimidating"
That's just what Andy said you were thinking. You know, Andy is exactly right. It shocks me how he knew before Anthony even said anything. According to him...when you feel you can't live up to someone, you shy away and feel like you're not in love, when reality the feeling is a lack of confidence and the thought that who you love deserves someone better than you.

I asked him if he was scared of me and he said no. I asked him if he was scared of love and he said: wouldn't you be if you were new at this?
I guess we really are on different platitudes. I've always known what I wanted in love and I always knew that it probably wouldn't perfectly fit the description I expected, but I've always known who was a right choice for me. If only people could learn to trust love and their partner...well, things would probably be easier. There are certain things I've yet to understand about myself, but as for things normal people don't understand, I seem to understand them better than most. It gets frustrating. It gets painful.

A complete 360 of emotion is never possible. I at times have felt that it was attainable because I was supposedly feeling it, but when I took the time to examine why it was happening, I realized it never happened at all. I was just numb and unfocused. When people are confused about who they are and what they're thinking, they never see the only person that can give them answers is themselves. So we sit around hoping the answers will just appear even when the big book of answers and definitions is becoming rust in our hands. The only thing that confuses me is him. When you have no other method of finding ease than to gather answers from another who is answering questions about themselves, hold on to faith. Any sort of faith at all. Trust me, the person you're waiting for will never talk.
It's a long day coming.
He's still silent.








You're gonna carry that weight.