He asked me to lie

And I told him the truth.

I was ready to post all this cool stuff and all my crazy ideas when everything came to a crashing halt. I met Kirsten today via telephone.
All I can say is...psh, I told you he was dating her. Even through that, as freakish as it sounds even to me, I bet somewhere in that big vacant space of his, something for me waits. One of my best guy friends said to me, it's either that he never loved me or he's too scared to love me, creating the almost indestructable idea in his head that he no longer loves me. Apparently, that's what fear does to a man. I wouldn't know because I'm not a man. And I don't think any guy who feels that way deserves to call himself a man either.

He asked me not to compare him to my other ex.
I did anyway because, fuck, he's acting just like him. Everyone thinks my ex prior to Anthony was all about going out with my best friends, which did happen twice, but they forget everything that came between and henceforth. There's was a lot of name calling and verbal abuse. There were other women even before my two best friends. They didn't last, but one of them hurt me in particular even though it was some insane love for a 14-year-old trapped in Ohio (also where Kirsten is from, ironically). Patterns repeat and as much as I'm ready for them, I somehow can't deal with it as planned. I'm aware of the differences, but all I tend to do is gather from past negativity and act upon that instead of working with what's going right.
And you know, she says she doesn't want problems with me. I guess I can believe it. There's no trust, just belief. But dammit if it doesn't hurt to hear her putting him in check the way I used to. Not that I put him in check 24/7 like a control freak, but it used to be my job...if that makes sense. She says she doesn't want problems. Honey, you're not as sweet as 'honey' would imply.
No. You're vinegar in my mouth.
Get out.

"It's okay. We're just dating. I'm not falling for her like that and she's not going to fall for me any time soon."
You said it yourself before...you're kind of a liar. This is the last lie you will ever tell if ever I find out it's a lie. At least be a friend. I don't expect him to lick my boots but I expect decency, you know.

"You're a scary lady. You became intimidating"
That's just what Andy said you were thinking. You know, Andy is exactly right. It shocks me how he knew before Anthony even said anything. According to him...when you feel you can't live up to someone, you shy away and feel like you're not in love, when reality the feeling is a lack of confidence and the thought that who you love deserves someone better than you.

I asked him if he was scared of me and he said no. I asked him if he was scared of love and he said: wouldn't you be if you were new at this?
I guess we really are on different platitudes. I've always known what I wanted in love and I always knew that it probably wouldn't perfectly fit the description I expected, but I've always known who was a right choice for me. If only people could learn to trust love and their partner...well, things would probably be easier. There are certain things I've yet to understand about myself, but as for things normal people don't understand, I seem to understand them better than most. It gets frustrating. It gets painful.

A complete 360 of emotion is never possible. I at times have felt that it was attainable because I was supposedly feeling it, but when I took the time to examine why it was happening, I realized it never happened at all. I was just numb and unfocused. When people are confused about who they are and what they're thinking, they never see the only person that can give them answers is themselves. So we sit around hoping the answers will just appear even when the big book of answers and definitions is becoming rust in our hands. The only thing that confuses me is him. When you have no other method of finding ease than to gather answers from another who is answering questions about themselves, hold on to faith. Any sort of faith at all. Trust me, the person you're waiting for will never talk.
It's a long day coming.
He's still silent.








You're gonna carry that weight.

Tonight won't be so long

I guess all the fighting drove him away.
Last he said was that he bought a ticket back to Ohio.
I guess I understand...Kirsten is there after all.
He says it's not about her, but who am I to dare to trust that?

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll break it down as smoothly as possible. I barely have the will to type this sentence, so I don't want this to take very long. I apologize if I drive anybody crazy.

It started with him saying he's going back because he was upset with all the fighting. Then he said he didn't love me. I didn't believe him and I had no problem being verbal about it. I told other people I didn't believe him, I told him I didn't believe him and I didn't have to tell myself I didn't believe him. I just didn't. That turned into a "you're just trying to convince yourself that I love you" kind of thing. But you know, it wasn't. I didn't convince myself of anything. I just instinctively didn't believe him. As much as he asked me to stop saying that, I can't. What else would I say? I didn't believe him. There's no way to lie about it. I didn't believe him. I still don't.

But I cried. Like a fool, I cried. All I wanted was to know why. Everyone says it wasn't my fault. Even he says it wasn't my fault and that he didn't want me to think it was. I had to have done something wrong...right? It's so like people to never know the answer to the stupid words that fall out of their mouth. It was the same plea over and over again for a while. I didn't do anything, I couldn't have, nothing was wrong with me. Yeah, save it. I don't believe things like that.

There were a few quotable things said, things that contradicted the first and things that couldn't stand very well on their own, but it stopped the tears. It didn't last, but at least there was a moment. I'll always have that moment. There was: "I fell in love too fast and I realized I wasn't ready for it, so I don't love you" and "You can't fight the heart" (You know what, reading that still pisses me off, so I'm going to say this: FUCK YOU. Then let me feel my own goddamn feelings, you ass. I mean, fuck, I love you and you said you loved me. Make up your goddamn mind and don't tell me what to fuckin do. You're the one who's in my life trying to figure out what I'm doing and trying to tell me what you're doing. That's probably one of the reasons I don't believe you. Fuck, I love you...take the good offers life gives you for once.) and "If I could have what I wanted, believe me, I'd still love you."

Idiocies. Little idiocies that crawl into the cracks in the skull and plays jump rope with the medula and treats the rest of that confounded thing like a goddamn Lucky Charm--you can run, but you can't hide. And even if it's a well-known fact, no one can fight it. No one. These confusing little broken up anecdotes attach themselves like ticks. You just can't get them off. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if these stupid little quips could give you Lyme Disease. I want to address them, but I just can't. For once, I don't understand them and secondly--I just don't believe any of it! I just don't buy it, I'm sorry. I wish I could and that would be that, but he's never been one to know what he was doing when it came to love. In response to that, I have decided to wait in silence. That being, I won't tell him I'm waiting and I'll move along as if I'm not waiting, but I'll wait as long as I can. At least there was one memorable thing about it..."it just seems like I'm easy to get over. Easy to replace."

No, you're not! You're freakin awesome.
Then there was something like a crash in his voice.
There was only silence our last five minutes together.
He said he was okay, but I couldn't tell for once.

One question, though: What on earth does "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" mean?
If you loved someone romantically and you stopped, then don't even bother with the "I love you"s if you don't love them anymore. Why bother, right? All of you men say it yourselves--you don't love the person anymore. So stop telling them you do even if it's "just a friend thing." It's never just a friend thing if you loved them romantically at one point. Don't play around. You know why you say it.

Somehow, though, I woke up ready to start my day off drowing in tears. I mean it. No thought had even gotten a chance to coherently pass through my head and I was already going to cry as if the cry that lulled me to sleep last night was "to be continued...." Then suddenly I knew something happened overnight. I have a feeling he thought of something he hadn't before. I just feel like things are going my way. I feel like I was right all along. I feel like just maybe love can be real for me. Maybe I can daydream without a nightmare.





Maybe I can learn to fly.
Maybe someday.