Te amo, bastardo

It was one of those days where no matter how much noise there was, it seemed as though everything was quiet.

As if I wasn't stressed enough with deadlines and writing news stories, my ex had to be his usual self. I got a call about 30 minutes before my 1:30 class started. It was my godson, Dylan. He's eight years old. He was crying his little eyes out--something a godmother doesn't want to hear. So what happened? My ex forgot to pick him up from tutoring. While my godson is on spring break, he still goes to these advanced placement kind of tutoring things that keep him mentally stimulated since he's smarter than the other kids in his class. It let out at 11:30 since it's spring break so they're giving the kids a chance to relax. Me being at school interviewing my ass off and getting ready to run over to do one last interview before just barely making it to class, I had to call Aalyssa, his mom, which shouldn't have been my fuckin job in the first place. Good thing Aalyssa was just getting out of the doctor's office when I called. I asked Dylan to call back in five minutes, and him being a good boy, he did and he was calm. I stayed on the phone with him until Aalyssa went to get him and thankfully she lives close to the school where he recieves the advanced placement thing.

I figure that was the end of it. Why wouldn't it be, right?
Oh no, as soon as I'm done interviewing and trying to chill out in the newsroom, talk about parties to come, and be worry free now that the interviewing was over I get a phone call. I answered to Dylan's voice, so I figured it would be just fine. Turns out, it was godmother to the rescue. I had to yell at the foolish twit that fell asleep when he was supposed to get his godson. Yes, he fell asleep.
But you know why that was "good justification"? Because he was going to wake up in a few minutes!
When does that ever fuckin happen? Everyone tries to say that, but you know fuckin what? That's a sorry excuse! How can you fall asleep and expect to wake up in a few minutes? You're not Penn nor are you Teller, so don't try it!

But it gets better.
Somehow it was my fault. But that can't be. I was working. But somehow it was still my fault because "I'm always working." And you know...yes, I am! I write for a freakin newspaper! When I've got deadlines, the days become shit with stress and an overload of work. So finally I ended up telling him to suck it even though he supposedly does a lot of things for us (well, damn! He must be a magician because I don't see a thing!) and he hung up on me as if I commited a crime against nature because I called him out on his damn faults. I know no one likes to hear it, but when you do something as irresponsible as that, brace yourself because you need to hear it if you do that.

After that I took it easy with Cristian by going to Jack In the Box with him and having a big discussion about interests and life stories and whatnot. I realized that I finally have new friends that are much better than those I've lost. It was pretty chill and it turns out Cristian likes a lot of the same music I do and he knows Led Zepagain (as do I). It's eerie how much in common I have with the newspaper staff. I'm guessing it's because we're all journalists. I mean, with any field, it takes certain characteristics in order to truly love and partake in the field. That's probably what happened to all of us. What's even creepier is how much I have in common with Pearl...we even have the same coffee brewer and the same breed of dog. Trust me, the similarities run very deep.

I haven't talked to my ex since about 3:30 p.m. Last time I called Aalyssa, she didn't know if he was there or not. That, in some ways, relives me. In another sense, it leaves me pacing throughout my little stressed out head. Yesterday I recieved a letter from him saying the boldest and bravest thing that has ever come out of his mouth: "You deserve someone better, not someone who's a scared little boy." While he was trying to get me to turn to others and make myself happy, it only made me come toward him all over again. No matter his idiocy, he always manages to say something truthful and heartfelt. He even says it at the appopriate times, but the degree of depth to his words has the opposite effect on me, as it would to anyone else. What makes things like this so different from everything else is that when someone can admit to you their flaws and try to push you into thinking how terrible they are, they show so much courage and care, that there's no way anyone can resist. I'm sure so many people feel foolish for being melted by someone's honesty, but really--there's nothing that can fight it. If someone cares that much, how can you not care back, especially if you loved them?

Yet I somehow can't take my own advice. I'm embarrassed because I'm so used to immediately rejecting those that have hurt me so strongly. But that's another thing, there's so many magnitudes of hurt, and really, he's never given me that much pain before. Never was any pain I've felt so intense that I had the urge to completely destroy him and cut him down. I wonder if it's because of my feelings...but I don't dare go there.

It's closing time for me.
My mind can't take any more of this sort of thinking.
It's time to put everything back in order...if only I knew how.

I think I love that idiot.
How could I dare?
How could I not?
Can I spare an answer?
Or at least a breath?
An idea?
A thought?

Sorry, we're closed.