Tonight won't be so long

I guess all the fighting drove him away.
Last he said was that he bought a ticket back to Ohio.
I guess I understand...Kirsten is there after all.
He says it's not about her, but who am I to dare to trust that?

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll break it down as smoothly as possible. I barely have the will to type this sentence, so I don't want this to take very long. I apologize if I drive anybody crazy.

It started with him saying he's going back because he was upset with all the fighting. Then he said he didn't love me. I didn't believe him and I had no problem being verbal about it. I told other people I didn't believe him, I told him I didn't believe him and I didn't have to tell myself I didn't believe him. I just didn't. That turned into a "you're just trying to convince yourself that I love you" kind of thing. But you know, it wasn't. I didn't convince myself of anything. I just instinctively didn't believe him. As much as he asked me to stop saying that, I can't. What else would I say? I didn't believe him. There's no way to lie about it. I didn't believe him. I still don't.

But I cried. Like a fool, I cried. All I wanted was to know why. Everyone says it wasn't my fault. Even he says it wasn't my fault and that he didn't want me to think it was. I had to have done something wrong...right? It's so like people to never know the answer to the stupid words that fall out of their mouth. It was the same plea over and over again for a while. I didn't do anything, I couldn't have, nothing was wrong with me. Yeah, save it. I don't believe things like that.

There were a few quotable things said, things that contradicted the first and things that couldn't stand very well on their own, but it stopped the tears. It didn't last, but at least there was a moment. I'll always have that moment. There was: "I fell in love too fast and I realized I wasn't ready for it, so I don't love you" and "You can't fight the heart" (You know what, reading that still pisses me off, so I'm going to say this: FUCK YOU. Then let me feel my own goddamn feelings, you ass. I mean, fuck, I love you and you said you loved me. Make up your goddamn mind and don't tell me what to fuckin do. You're the one who's in my life trying to figure out what I'm doing and trying to tell me what you're doing. That's probably one of the reasons I don't believe you. Fuck, I love you...take the good offers life gives you for once.) and "If I could have what I wanted, believe me, I'd still love you."

Idiocies. Little idiocies that crawl into the cracks in the skull and plays jump rope with the medula and treats the rest of that confounded thing like a goddamn Lucky Charm--you can run, but you can't hide. And even if it's a well-known fact, no one can fight it. No one. These confusing little broken up anecdotes attach themselves like ticks. You just can't get them off. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if these stupid little quips could give you Lyme Disease. I want to address them, but I just can't. For once, I don't understand them and secondly--I just don't believe any of it! I just don't buy it, I'm sorry. I wish I could and that would be that, but he's never been one to know what he was doing when it came to love. In response to that, I have decided to wait in silence. That being, I won't tell him I'm waiting and I'll move along as if I'm not waiting, but I'll wait as long as I can. At least there was one memorable thing about it..."it just seems like I'm easy to get over. Easy to replace."

No, you're not! You're freakin awesome.
Then there was something like a crash in his voice.
There was only silence our last five minutes together.
He said he was okay, but I couldn't tell for once.

One question, though: What on earth does "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" mean?
If you loved someone romantically and you stopped, then don't even bother with the "I love you"s if you don't love them anymore. Why bother, right? All of you men say it yourselves--you don't love the person anymore. So stop telling them you do even if it's "just a friend thing." It's never just a friend thing if you loved them romantically at one point. Don't play around. You know why you say it.

Somehow, though, I woke up ready to start my day off drowing in tears. I mean it. No thought had even gotten a chance to coherently pass through my head and I was already going to cry as if the cry that lulled me to sleep last night was "to be continued...." Then suddenly I knew something happened overnight. I have a feeling he thought of something he hadn't before. I just feel like things are going my way. I feel like I was right all along. I feel like just maybe love can be real for me. Maybe I can daydream without a nightmare.





Maybe I can learn to fly.
Maybe someday.

I hope she's sweet

If I really deserved the best, she wouldn't have been born.

Just as I suspected, the bastard goes to Ohio for a few days and there's already a bitch. Hearing his voice and knowing he came back for a visit made me get my stupid hopes up. Disgusting. I'm beyond foolish. I should've cut my own throat for that...not that hoping was any far off from it.

What's more, I heard about it from an 8-year-old. Anthony thinks he's so damn funny: "What were we talking about just now, Dylan?"
There it is.
There's the one person who could far surpass me without even having to know my weaknesses.
She already has my weakness.
"Kirsten."


Now just because he lacks any faith, confidence and sense of self-worth...I'm paying for it. Why the hell does he think he's doing me a favor by leaving? All I keep hearing is that he loves me but he's a bad person. Make up your mind, dammit! Are you bad or are you in love? They seem the same, but really there's a difference!
Be happy, be happy, be happy...well, I'm done trying to be happy for you. Understand that YOU made me fuckin happy! You made huge steps in changing your attitude, so much so that we honestly didn't have major problems in our relationship. I know you're not with the chick and I think you were trying to say the she's just "hot," not beautiful or gorgeous, but really, I'm done trying to read through everything everyone says. Can't someone just be straightforward for once?


Then we fought. Ahaha, the fighting....
There's was so much yelling, I thought I'd break apart. Apparently, I have no choice but to get over him because he's the bad guy. I know I can't force him to see anything in himself, but I just can't see how anyone could think love is a right/wrong deal. In love, we do a lot of things that are ultimately wrong, but we do it anyway. Sometimes there's regret and heartbreak, but that's just life. There's no love if you don't risk anything for it. But I know plenty of people who can't see that--they think love is perfect and that the only time love is love is when things are smooth. Love is laden with misery and chance. We just have to learn to take it all and carry it lightly on our shoulders. I know the world is cold and cruel. I know it'll turn its back in such an unforgiving way that it feels like it's killing you and ruining what you have, but we only accomplish the failures we worried about when we stop moving. So link hands, turn your back on it and run. Love, like life, is never perfection. Love is all the little sorrows and tragedies, all the triumphs and fluttery emotions, all the huge problems, all the wonderful memories and every superfluous fragmented piece somehow coexisitng in a way no one's ever seen. So if you're hurting and crying, don't say the love is over...sometimes it's just beginning. Don't hurt the one you love by thinking that way because of your lack of confidence or understanding of love. Most importantly, never say: "It should've happened by now."
My dears...love is never on time.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Dead kings, many things I can't define

Religion...a composition of dead people and somewhat sensible ideals (sometimes) that we've grown to adore.
No, I'm not anti-religion. Bear with me here.

The thing I don't get is why people even bother fighting about it. While people may argue what I'm about to say is instigating a fight, I beg to differ. In fact, I'm preaching peace. I take responsibility if someone wants to start something. After all, I did open my big mouth. But I will not play a role in the degradation of someone else's belief system. I can only hope people will listen, think about it, and move on in any way they so choose. I'd prefer this to change someone's outlook, but I can't very well expect that.

Anyway, I begin by saying, why has religion suddenly been cluttered into two or three categories? All of a sudden religion has narrowed down to Christianity, Catholicism, and sometimes Judaism. Truth be told, everyone has a religion, whether it consists of a "God" or not. With that being said, there are two division of the argument I wish to address:

1. You religious freaks sicken me. I'm talking literally sickening me. I once saw a religious website so vile with propaganda, I threw up just a bit. It's dizzying to see all this hate speech on a site that's supposed to promote "the good fight." How the fuck do you figure that? Supposedly these sites and displays are meant to get people on the right path, but how can you win people over by tearing them apart? They're human beings just like you. Thou shall not judge, right? Or am I crazy? Lead by example if you want to make any sort of difference. Yelling and damning everything when it's not even your fuckin right is downright weird and absurd. You curse what you find "obscene," yet somehow you're free to obscenely promote your nearly fictitious cause with propaganda and hate--it doesn't add up. Trust me, it doesn't. Nobody fuckin cares if you think their religion is right or wrong. In fact, if you try to tell us we're wrong, you're just pissing us all off. Maybe it's just me, but I think that's a step backward. Also, stop with the paranoia. We have enough idiotic paranoia coming from the stupid fuck KKK as it is. No one wants to destroy Christianity. In fact, you fucks have beaten your "morals" to a pulp so much that we pretty much don't give a fuck about Christianity anymore. One more thing, and this has stopped every fanatical Christian (and other fanatics of other religions) that has ever crossed me: we (Catholics) were here first. And you know what else? I don't even care if we were here first. That's right, I don't care about your bizarre means of "religion." To each their own and leave everyone else out of it. Oh, and I'm sorry if we can't make laws based off your crap. We have an idea called "division of church and state," now back off.

2. Atheists. Oh, Atheists...shut the fuck up. You're just as paranoid as the fanatics. Stop bitching about how no one understands you. You still have mothers, right? If not, well, you understand yourself, right? That's good enough! It's all you fuckin need! I know there are weirdos out there trying to shove religion down your throat, but stop acting like you're always attacked for your beliefs. You're not. I highly doubt that everywhere you go there's some religion humper that sniffs you out and goes "Die, fucker!!" Unless you where a goddamn sign stating you're an atheist. Even then, as with people whose religions consist of a God, most people don't care. Stop calling religion shit, too, by the way. It's not shit, it's just the difference between you and some. Embrace your differences if you love yourself so fuckin much! And if you don't love yourself...then, I'm sorry. Maybe that's why you're so fuckin angry. Besides, if you want people to stop preaching to you, stop breaking them down. Religion gives some people hope. And hope is something you should never take from someone. It could be all that they have. Be nice. Honestly, we're not all the same. I'm Catholic, and though I mention it, really, as long as people are happy with the religions they choose, I'm happy for them! Diversity makes us great. You're not in kindergarten anyway. You don't have to push Little Jimmy just because he pushed you first. Move the fuck on and stop riding on religion's ass. People are free to have other beliefs than you...isn't that the whole basis of your own damn argument anyway? Dammit.

Moving on from the notorious complainers, while you finish off your Easter, remember that there are other religions out there. There are some you've probably never heard of before. There are still tribal peoples who practice their own faith. Don't be myopic and see religion as only having a few faces of which seem to be taking over the world. Religion is interesting, whether you believe in it or not. Have a heart and let people practice freely. You've got to admit, some religions have very good ideals to live by. Practice them. If not the faith, practice the values. Again, don't forget the billions of other people in the world practicing their own means of religion. Hopefully then you can see that it's just human nature, even though it's in some people's nature to be scum.

My final note:
I managed to see Aalyssa today and it gives me great relief. I only wonder now what Anthony is up to. Every time he leaves, my time perception goes out of sync. I really have no idea how many days it's been since he left. It feels like he's been gone for weeks. Everything seems to be rising and falling, being mixed and rearranged and being pulled in every which direction time chooses at the moment. I don't know what I understand or perceive, and I can barely believe what's going on before me. Somehow, though, being left in the dark has instilled some extra creativity in me. I don't know what to say about that.
What time is it, anyway?
I probably wouldn't believe you if you told me.

I can see for miles and miles

I think I know what they meant by having magic in their eyes.
Well, it was partly drugs (but that doesn't come into play here) and partly mysticism--the kind you get when you feel the world is in your hands. It's when you know you can obtain anything you could want in an immediate sense. Maybe not all your dreams in one, but mostly anything you could want for the time being.

I reek of incense from going to The Psychic Eye. I hung out with an old friend from elementary school for the first time in ages. I tried to pretend I wasn't thinking of other people, but my love and the third man kept randomly passing through my thoughts. I worry about Anthony...and as for the third man, sometimes I still find myself wishing, even if it's not something I really want exactly.

I reconnected with myself today. Just being in that store made me think of all the possibilites that come from the world around us. I'm basically in a trance right now. I just keep seeing the things that were there and thinking on things greater than me. There's so much beauty, depth and meaning out there...and to think, we'll never live long enough to see and understand it all. It's bizarre.

I'm tempted to buy some tarot cards and rearrange everything I have to reflect on these ideas. I'm not going wacko religious junkie on anybody...I still want to be me, Catholicism (yes, I'm Catholic. Shut the fuck up.) and all. Speaking of which, tomorrow is Easter and I won't see my best friend in the universe because...well, I don't know why. My cousin means the world to me, and I got a slight chance to see her today--but her parents denied us of it. Ha, how depressing. You know, I've noticed, everything seems wrong with the world. I guess it's up to ourselves to keep our worlds straight. To be honest, at this point my life isn't so bad, I just think I'm completely scrambled.

You know, probably nothing I've said here makes any sense.
But in some way it means a lot to me.
I can't even fathom what goes on in my own head.
And somehow, I don't think that's important.

As long as I can see beyond my own input, maybe...well, I'm not entirely sure.

I'm too physically drained to be sure. All I know is where my heart is and where my creativity is taking me. Maybe I can close my eyes and see further. It's a contradiction to top all contradictions, but sometimes the unconscious is a better indicator than the waking world and conscious thought.
And maybe when I sleep, I can visit him for a moment. Bastardo.
Bastardo, bastardo, bastardo....

My eyelids are heavy.

Put on your red shoes and dance the blues

Running.
Everyone is running.
We're all scattered.

It didn't quite hit home when my ex, of which I realized I haven't yet put his name down (it's Anthony, by the way), left for Ohio on Thursday. His mom has become one of the nomads precariously slipping off the edge and wandering about for work to stay alive. Who knows how long they're going to be gone. They said it was just a few weeks, but webs can be spun in all but a day or two. They could end up stuck.
It's not that I didn't care and I just watched him leave without a feeling in my veins. I cried. I really did.
Even when I found out they were coming back "soon," I cried. Bastardo....
I guess I was just feeling numb.

And maybe, just maybe, I took the liberty of doing everything I have done today just to cope with it. I got up right when the alarm went off, put on my new shoes, new blouse, new pants, my favorite necklace and some of my best earrings. I looked so good (I assume) that the first thing I heard as I tried to get in the car was honking and hollering from a man that looked like someone from ZZ-Top speeding down my street. I went to class listening to London After Midnight and feeling really awesome. So awesome, in fact, that chills went down my spine. I stayed in the newsroom longer than I had to just because I felt like staying in there and looking upon the staff. I left with some more London After Midnight echoing. I got home, helped my friend retaliate against her overbearing step-father and made the guy's daughter cry because she was a huge bitch to Aalyssa. I felt even better and tried calling up Andy, but I couldn't get a hold of him. So I dropped Frances a line and we took off to the mall, ate and shopped. I even got a call from my best friend from elementary school earlier.
And now, I just might go to a party with Suzy, Crisitan and Matt at 11. And while I'm at it, I just may sit with the guru. He's a good man. A great man. Believe me, he and I can see many tomorrows together.

All the while, I keep thinking of Anthony. As Vanessa and I discussed earlier when she called, it seems so wrong of us to think of our exes. But we do, and we're just funny people for it. And now that I look at all I've done today...I've just been running. Maybe I hoped that freedom wasn't too far off.

On a different note, let me speak on the Obama issue.
First thing, just because he's friends with a racist shitbag doesn't mean he's a racist shitbag. Okay? Got it? Good.
Oh, why not, you say? Because I can be friends with someone who's adamantly hates black people, for instance. As long as he doesn't talk about it around me, I can force myself to overlook it...and also because there could be a possibility that I didn't know the person was racist until later in our friendship. In turn, after the person and I had gone through a lot, I wouldn't be able to just dump them. There's too much friendship there. And just because he used his grandmother as an example doesn't mean he's so tightly knit to that guy that it's almost a family level. Seriously, that's the most ridiculous fuckin unwarranted assumption I've ever heard. Get a grip. Goddamn.

On the flip side, everyone bitching about Fox News and how everyone is acting like they hate Obama, you know what? They hate Hillary and McCain, too. Every last one of them. Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration, but my point is that there are always going to be people who hate whoever or whatever it is you like. There are going to be people who take it too far and there are going to be people who say/do supremely idiotic things. That doesn't mean, however, that you should go around acting like you've hammered your brains out with an actual fuckin hammer. You people need to get a grip, too. You say: "Oh, they edited out the most important part of his speech out, those fuckers!" but in turn, you go around quoting people and making videos editing out important parts of their commentary. Sounds like a double standard and it smells like shit. Don't do it. You're making us Democrats look like whiners, which is exactly how the stereotype goes. Stereotypes = bad.

Really, both sides need to stop dicking around. It's stupid.

Te amo, bastardo

It was one of those days where no matter how much noise there was, it seemed as though everything was quiet.

As if I wasn't stressed enough with deadlines and writing news stories, my ex had to be his usual self. I got a call about 30 minutes before my 1:30 class started. It was my godson, Dylan. He's eight years old. He was crying his little eyes out--something a godmother doesn't want to hear. So what happened? My ex forgot to pick him up from tutoring. While my godson is on spring break, he still goes to these advanced placement kind of tutoring things that keep him mentally stimulated since he's smarter than the other kids in his class. It let out at 11:30 since it's spring break so they're giving the kids a chance to relax. Me being at school interviewing my ass off and getting ready to run over to do one last interview before just barely making it to class, I had to call Aalyssa, his mom, which shouldn't have been my fuckin job in the first place. Good thing Aalyssa was just getting out of the doctor's office when I called. I asked Dylan to call back in five minutes, and him being a good boy, he did and he was calm. I stayed on the phone with him until Aalyssa went to get him and thankfully she lives close to the school where he recieves the advanced placement thing.

I figure that was the end of it. Why wouldn't it be, right?
Oh no, as soon as I'm done interviewing and trying to chill out in the newsroom, talk about parties to come, and be worry free now that the interviewing was over I get a phone call. I answered to Dylan's voice, so I figured it would be just fine. Turns out, it was godmother to the rescue. I had to yell at the foolish twit that fell asleep when he was supposed to get his godson. Yes, he fell asleep.
But you know why that was "good justification"? Because he was going to wake up in a few minutes!
When does that ever fuckin happen? Everyone tries to say that, but you know fuckin what? That's a sorry excuse! How can you fall asleep and expect to wake up in a few minutes? You're not Penn nor are you Teller, so don't try it!

But it gets better.
Somehow it was my fault. But that can't be. I was working. But somehow it was still my fault because "I'm always working." And you know...yes, I am! I write for a freakin newspaper! When I've got deadlines, the days become shit with stress and an overload of work. So finally I ended up telling him to suck it even though he supposedly does a lot of things for us (well, damn! He must be a magician because I don't see a thing!) and he hung up on me as if I commited a crime against nature because I called him out on his damn faults. I know no one likes to hear it, but when you do something as irresponsible as that, brace yourself because you need to hear it if you do that.

After that I took it easy with Cristian by going to Jack In the Box with him and having a big discussion about interests and life stories and whatnot. I realized that I finally have new friends that are much better than those I've lost. It was pretty chill and it turns out Cristian likes a lot of the same music I do and he knows Led Zepagain (as do I). It's eerie how much in common I have with the newspaper staff. I'm guessing it's because we're all journalists. I mean, with any field, it takes certain characteristics in order to truly love and partake in the field. That's probably what happened to all of us. What's even creepier is how much I have in common with Pearl...we even have the same coffee brewer and the same breed of dog. Trust me, the similarities run very deep.

I haven't talked to my ex since about 3:30 p.m. Last time I called Aalyssa, she didn't know if he was there or not. That, in some ways, relives me. In another sense, it leaves me pacing throughout my little stressed out head. Yesterday I recieved a letter from him saying the boldest and bravest thing that has ever come out of his mouth: "You deserve someone better, not someone who's a scared little boy." While he was trying to get me to turn to others and make myself happy, it only made me come toward him all over again. No matter his idiocy, he always manages to say something truthful and heartfelt. He even says it at the appopriate times, but the degree of depth to his words has the opposite effect on me, as it would to anyone else. What makes things like this so different from everything else is that when someone can admit to you their flaws and try to push you into thinking how terrible they are, they show so much courage and care, that there's no way anyone can resist. I'm sure so many people feel foolish for being melted by someone's honesty, but really--there's nothing that can fight it. If someone cares that much, how can you not care back, especially if you loved them?

Yet I somehow can't take my own advice. I'm embarrassed because I'm so used to immediately rejecting those that have hurt me so strongly. But that's another thing, there's so many magnitudes of hurt, and really, he's never given me that much pain before. Never was any pain I've felt so intense that I had the urge to completely destroy him and cut him down. I wonder if it's because of my feelings...but I don't dare go there.

It's closing time for me.
My mind can't take any more of this sort of thinking.
It's time to put everything back in order...if only I knew how.

I think I love that idiot.
How could I dare?
How could I not?
Can I spare an answer?
Or at least a breath?
An idea?
A thought?

Sorry, we're closed.

FREE TIBET!

I've been keeping up with the Tibet issue for a little while now, and let me just say--I'm digusted.

I can't even fathom why China would take over Tibet in the first place! Then they don't even understand why the fuck so many people are angry. Now I open my newspaper and see pictures of people about to be beaten and a monk with blood on his face from a wound recieved to the head. I can see that maybe they were pushing the violence thing, but why the monks and all the innocent people?
And all the officials in Beijing seem to worry about is the fuckin Olympics. I mean, after all, everyone loves sports way more than important issues.
Hey, guys, here's an idea: set them free and you won't have to worry about it anymore.
If not for the sake of human lives, but for the sake of your own sanity, you know?

And how is it that it's suddenly the Dali Lama's fault? How the fuck would it be his fault, anyway? I know I don't know the guy, but I doubt someone who's won the Nobel Peace Price on several occasions would be an evil villain by night.

The Chinese government is trying to say they're reforming their policy. Haha, give me a fuckin break! I really couldn't tell in the midst of all the chaos. Man, you guys are really good actors, goddamn it. You sure had us fooled. Now I can sleep easily with a stupid grin on my face!

And why is it the fault of the Tibetan people? You invaded their land and STOLE their culture and identity! You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Then they have the nerve to call the Tibetan's plan "ignorant." Please, someone tell me how it's ignorant. How is wanting something that's rightfully yours, something all humans have a right to, back a hair-brained idea? I'll show you hair-brained--taking a country for no real reason and brutally instilling policies that hurt the innocent. Yeah! Hey, everyone! Let's go out there, take any country we want and take away everything they have! Why? Because it's there!

Speaking of which...Mt. Everest is suddenly closed. The Chinese government doesn't want a repeat of what happened the time these hikers hoisted a "Free Tibet" flag and posted the act over the internet. Way to have everything under control.

Back to the blame game, China says the Tibetans are easily manipulated simply because they refuse to speak Mandarin. That allows them to be suceptible. Okay, so maybe not knowing a language can leave you vulnerable, especially when the country that speaks it...you know...owns you. I do believe, however, claiming that admits that there are people who manipulate them. Nothing gives them that right. Excuse the Tibetans for trying to keep a little dignity in wanting their own language. In fact, excuse the world for having culture. Excuse us all for believing in a little freedom now and again.

The love of power is too strong.
It looks like Jimi Hendrix's idea won't be fulfilled any time soon.

And that's a shame.

All I can say is, keep on fighting in what you believe in, guys.
You know you're right.
And it's not just the Tibetans--it's everyone.
Stand up for yourself and others.
Stop being afraid.