I never imagined anything like today to happen. For a while, I have been quite immersed in the concept of a new semester, which to me would also signify an end to what I had. With all the new starts I intended to make, I would inevitably shut it all down and carry on in ways I fancifully imagined. Upon learning the ways of life throughout my first two years of college, I met him, a bit thrown by him. I was curious, bewildered, pushy, and above all, I was softened. I am aware of my faults and that I am perpetually meant to have an eyebrow raised, just as I am perpetually meant to provoke it by my everyday speak. It was in the instance I realized what I saw him that I knew that all rules had exceptions. Being a journalist, I always knew that, but sometimes it was unclear unless it was physical. I will admit to my flooding heart, my half-open eyes, my graceful and longing sighing, my undying need to draw ever closer--and I will admit that perplexities that make this different than anything I have felt or wanted.
Today was never meant to be, just as Friday, Saturday and Sunday showed me they weren't either. Today was one of those days that wasn't supposed to exist, but because time and it's abounding steamroller nature, it had to, no matter how misfortunate it was going to turn out. My first morning hour on these days consists of what seems to be the strong foundation of my day--without it, things seem to veer off in the wrong direction, as my footing will be missed. Instead, in my disheartened state, I was a bit of a wretch and perhaps should have been more direct in my speech, as opposed to trying to play with the trickery of language. My day was a monotone gray until my third hour. In all the majesty I perceive these moments to be, I was at ease. That's the trouble with perception. It is mostly imagined and is never an indicator of what really is, what has been or what's to be.
"Shut up."
That's all the was said, for the first time ever such a strange atrocity filled the mouth of someone I worried was not like the rest of us. Yes, I worried. When I imagined to myself and when I derived from action, no matter how I wanted to pull out an opposing emotion, there seemed to be a blank. I know about these things. I know not to trust what seldom appears and what seems as though it cannot be. Because usually, it doesn't appear and never is. Either that or perhaps these things are too elite for human grasp. Still, I was intoxicated by this curious predicament and sat myself to its side for as many days as this new semester allowed. It happened perfectly every time until today. When I cowered over this concept, I cowered in joy and in worry. When I cowered today, I cowered in fear, something I vowed to never do for the likes of a seemingly godly principle ever again. I assumed all too quickly that there was one way, one soul that could not cast me into the darkness. Perhaps I am wrong.
I used to care so much about others, that despite the situation, I would love them so much that I would care more about them than the situation. Now I care too much about them, but I see the situation in a much, much larger scale than it deserves. This is what humans do to other humans.
As I left and saw him drive away in a last act of random fate, I thought I could catch him. But I was far beyond catching anyone today. As all the worst possible drivers in the world got in my way and increased the distance between us, I remembered what he said he was doing. I figured I would see him trekking north as I went south down the freeway. I wish I realized sooner that I would not be catching anything today.
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